No More Pinot

I'm tempted to delete than damn Sobriety Tracker app. I've restarted it so many times already and now I'm just ignoring it because if I open it up and look at it I'll be staring at a lie. In summary, I've had seven drinks in the past seven days. Four of the seven were last night alone therefore I'm typing this with a splitting headache. Last week my therapist and I tried to determine what my triggers are. We came up with nothing. Nada. I'm just a random drinker. A whimsical drunk if you will. Well, that's my interpretation. My therapist doesn't buy that of course. My therapist would congratulate me on how far I've come so far. And my fiance keeps saying, "proud of you." Never mind that he said that last night while I was downing my fourth drink. And he doesn't do sarcasm. He honestly didn't know I had been drinking. I wasn't trying to hide it either. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm also not sure tha

I drank last night. I had a plan and I did it. After nine days, I was feeling good. I'm out of the daily drinking habit I told myself. Now that I've abstained for a week plus, I can start moderating. The whole way home from work I mentally crafted my new drinking plan: two drinks on Fridays, two on Saturdays, and one through the week if out to dinner or for another special occasion. I can do this I thought. But here's the thing. That first sip of wine didn't even taste that good. Neither did the second or third. But I kept drinking anyway. I finished the glass, quickly poured another, and drained that one too. And then I poured a third. Once again, I found myself so tired but forcing my body to stay awake just to finish a glass of Pinot Grigio. I didn't finish the glass though. I turned out the light and went to sleep. I tossed and turned all night and woke up feeling like s***. Alcohol sucks. I don't want to drink again. I just doesn't make sense. The n

I'm still sober. Last night was rough, but in the end I chose bed over a drink. Cravings don't come while you're sleeping. I slept the hardest I have in a very long time, not waking once until the alarm went off this morning. This morning was better but by afternoon the cravings were back again. So for extra insurance before coming home to any empty house, I stopped at Food City on the way home from work, grabbed a mini-cart and packed it full with non-alcoholic drinks. I am not exaggerating. My receipt reads like this:  1 Mr. Q Cumber drink (I couldn't resist the cute little glass bottle) 1 Murph's Famous Bloody Mary Mix (for drinking straight not mixing) 1 Welch's Sparkling White Grape juice (I'll pretend this is Pinot Grigio) 6 pack - O'Doul's  non-alcoholic beer (the only NA beer name I recognized) 6 pack - Barritts Ginger Beer (I like Ginger Ale so why not) I cracked open the O'Doul's before I left the parking lot. An

I'm starting to rethink this quitting cold turkey thing. I haven't had a drink in nearly 100 hours and until now I've really been okay. On Day One I was too hungover and sick to want a drink, thanks to the bender I pulled the night before. Days Two and Three had moments of cravings but I staved them off with non-alcoholic beer. (Who knew NA beer could be my saving grace?!) But tonight on the tail end of Day Four, I'm feeling some physical symptoms. My heart's been racing off and on, I have a headache, I'm tired and irritable, my chest hurts some, I'm bloated and have some waves of light nausea. And I'm home alone. And I'm a hypochondriac. Well, maybe not diagnostically speaking but the tendencies are there. What if I were to have delirium tremens and there's no one here with me to save me?! Okay, okay, yes I Googled and I know that is rare. But still. Maybe I should just have a drink tonight. I'll feel better and then I can work on tapering o

This time feels different. I'm not sure exactly why. Perhaps it's because I got so incredibly drunk last night (for no reason) that I blacked out (for the first time.) Or maybe it's because all those sobriety related audio books and podcasts I've been listening to are finally sinking in. Perhaps it's because my son is in rehab and it just f****** feels wrong to keep living like this while he's struggling. Maybe it feels different because it's spring and the season naturally feels hopeful. Perhaps it's because I'm getting married in less than a month and I'm tired of disappointing the man I love so much. Or as my therapist said earlier today, maybe it's Divine timing.  Whatever the reason, I'm calling it. This is officially day one of NO MORE PINOT. The sobriety tracker on my phone is ticking and I am determined to not reset it as I've done countless times over the past two years. I have to do this now. And for whatever reason, today